Thursday Thirteen #29

13 JOKES I GOT IN MY (OFFICE) MAIL

1. What is the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when your WIFE is pregnant, Tension is when your GIRLFRIEND is pregnant and Panic is when BOTH are pregnant.

2. Teacher: (In an English class) Do you know the importance of a period?

Kid: Yes, maam. My sister said she has missed one and my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack and our driver ran away!

3. Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we should talk about sex.

Teenage daughter: (Excitingly) Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know?

4. What is the definition of Mistress?

Someone between the Mister and the Mattress.

5. Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. Man shoots his friend. Wife says, “If  you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.”

6. Son asks the difference between confidence and confidential. Dad says, you are my son, I am confident. Your friend is also my son, that’s confidential.

7. Husband asks, “Do you know the meaning of wife?” It means Without Information Fighting Everytime!

Wife replies, “No, it means, With Idiot For Eternity”

8. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

9. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

10. Wife : Honey …… What are You Looking for ?

Husband : Nothing.

Wife : Nothing…?? U’ve been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour …??

Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

11. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa or India, a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

12. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends

13. A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

“Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife replied , “in-laws”.